How To Teach (Not Really)
by The dragon1010
Summary: Teacher AU between Vala411 and I. Rules: Must be a comedy and under 5000 words. Summary: Some school have their own unique traits... some have more than others.


"Welcome to Berk High. We offer plenty of learning opportunities for your child or children to get the education that they and you would like for them. Are you one for numbers? Or maybe your passion is art, no matter what it is we offer a wide variety of courses throughout the year. Your child's education and safety are our top priority."

oOo

It was just like any other day at BH, people getting to school by eight O'clock and complaining about the work they had once they made it to class. A young new teacher named Hiccup was starting his first day on the job, had been going here himself as a child and absolutely hating it. But now he was on the other side. The only reason he got the job is for some reason was that no one wanted to work at BH.

The bell rang signaling 2nd period, his first was prep incase he had to get stuff together "Ok everyone settle down, the bell just rang. Thank you, now I'm Hiccup Haddock your new shop teacher." A few people lazily waved at him from the tables they were sitting at. He took a good look around to see a little under twenty people in his class for metal work.

"Fair warning I have no idea how the old shop teacher worked nor why he left but I will try my best to teach this class." A few snickers could be heard as he said that "What's so funny?" He asked not understanding what he did "You'll understand why he left." A girl said with a short laugh and a few others did the same.

"Ok…. uh… let's get started shall we? What was your class working on before the old teacher left?" They all looked at one another "Well… we were working on basic metal frames but…." One of the boys trailed off "But what?"

"They kind of… blew up." He said pointing over to a wall with a a metal frame all bent and in pieces. Along with that the wall behind it was newly repaired. Hiccup's eyes became the size of mellons "How… what… I don't understand… that's solid metal and brick." One person nodded "You'll understand soon."

With a slight gulp he turned away from the wall "Ok um… I want everyone to get a 2' piece of flat steel and make me a basic 6" by 6" square. And please remember to shut off the welders I don't need the school burning down because of me." A few snickers could be heard before everyone got onto doing their task.

It was about twenty minutes until the end of the period when commotion could be heard in the hall. Ten seconds later the door to the room flew open revealing a set of twins "We're so sorry man… it wasn't supposed to go down like this… again." The male of the two said. Hiccup walked over to them noticing the students pressed up behind machines and tables.

"What are you tal…." He was cut off as the wall he was next to literally blew up throwing him over a table and onto the floor "Sorry about that new guy, the recipe never said that putting metal in it would explode." The girl of the two said before they left.

Hiccup shakily got off of the ground "So you quitting yet?" One of the girls said daring to peek her head over the sturdy wooden table "What just happened….?" Hiccup asked wide eyed looking at the ceiling from the ground "You've just been twined." Of of the boys said laughing.

"Ah good old Ruff and Tuff… I suspect Snotlout will be here any moment now." One of them said muttering. All of a sudden the door opened again and in came a man about the same age as him with a trashcan and lots of other cleaning tools "Hi Snotlout!" One of the boys said waving.

He turned and set down the stuff "You must be the new guy eh? The name's Snotlout, the best janitor this school up to date." He stated proudly "That's probably because you still haven't made it to the hospital." Someone shot back at him "Ya ya details, now… this mess…" He muttered turning around.

Through the hole you could see Ruff and Tuff continuing with class "You see if you mix any kind of alkali metals with any element in the 7th column in the elemental table it's going to react because of the need of an electron." Tuffnut stated before continuing with chem like usual even with the large hole in the wall.

Hiccup regaining a little motor function stood up and looked at his students "Wha… am I… supposed to do?!" He finally got out to which a few just shrugged "Continue with whatever we were doing, if Snotlout's here that means that everyone knows of the twins newest hole." They said calmly as if this was a daily occurrence."

Snotlout left and brought back some bricks and mixed up the paste to stick it to the olds ones almost as if it was routine "How… many times does this happen?" Hiccup asked looking at Snotlout work rather quickly "Usually 3 times a week… most we've ever has is 9." One of them said with a casual shrug.

With those words the 2nd period end bell went off and all of the students left. After about five minutes his woodworking class filed in and with the sound of the 3rd period bell people were watching Snotlout work "Haha the new teach just got broken in!" Two guys that Hiccup had seen in the chem lab say before they high fived. Hiccup let out a small gulp before resuming class.

oOo

Lunch  
oOo

The next class went smoothly with no explosions all the way up to lunch. Hiccup went to the teacher's lounge and grabbed an ice pack for his head "Haha, see you met the twins already." Another teacher said who looked a little bit chubbier.

"Oh sorry, my name's Fishlegs. I teach history." He said extending his hand out to which he took "Hiccup, shop." A few other teachers came in as well that he got to know Alvin in english, Gothi in health, Gobber in math, and one last teacher came in as well.

"Hello I'm Astrid." Said a lady pushing blond hair out of the way of her eyes "Hiccup, so what do you teach?" He asked curiously "Foods." She stated simply to which a few comments were made behind me that I didn't catch. She nodded at me before pulling a container out of the lounge fridge and tossing it in the microwave "Oh I think I left my chips in my room, can you watch this for me?" She asked.

"Of course." She thanked him before quickly leaving the room. He looked at the container in the microwave and it was… kinda scary looking "Hehe so naive, she's worse than us." Said Tuffnut from across the room. He turned to see them all hiding behind the big table and chairs "Oh not again…." He muttered.

The microwave behind him burst into flames while ripping the door of it off and directly at Hiccup smoking him in the face. He went down like a sack of bricks "HA, I win!" Tuffnut said to his sister "Told you Astrid would take him down, though I kind of wish this morning's batch would have done it." He said rubbing his chin.

"Hey I'm ba… oh…" Astrid said holding out her bag of chips "What did you guys do?" They all stared at her and then the microwave "I vote she has to cook her meals in the home Ec room." Ruffnut muttered. They all looked back down at Hiccup as he made a groaning noise.

"Look at that, he's not dead." Tuff said before laughing. Hiccup slowly sat up gripping his face "What… just… happened…?" He got out with his eyes going a little fuzzy. Gothi kneeled down and checked to see if he had a concussion. Thankfully he did not.

"What… was in that container?" He said looking up at Astrid who just shrugged "I think it was soup." She said nonchalantly "THINK?!" She just shrugged again before opening up a closet door and pulling out another microwave. Hiccup stared at the room with about 15 microwaves in it "What… is this place…" He muttered putting the ice pack that was once on his head to his face.

"Ah nothin like a little bruising to say you've done something today." Gobber said with a chuckle before returning to his meal. They helped him up and to a seat before going back to their meals as well "Well I suppose I better go get something from the lunch room." Astrid said before leaving.

"I just realized something." Hiccup muttered to which everyone looked at him curiously "She teaches foods…" He said as if it would haunt him. They all stared at him for a second before laughing "Oh so naive." Tuffnut said again wiping a tear from his eyes.

oOo

7th Period

oOo

This hour was his "Basic auto" class that taught the basics of maintaining an automobile "Ok class today we are going to be doing the most basic of all things with a car, putting in the gas." He said not wanting to do anything complex. Multiple complaints could be heard about that being an idiots job.

"Wait… where's the gas I had right here?" He muttered looking in the spot he had the gas can that he got from the school. One of the kids raised their hands to which he called on them "Uh … I think Mr and Ms Thornston had it this morning." He sighed knowing this was bad luck "Fine just… go on your phones or something while I get it." He said before walking to the chem lab.

It was a study hall for the time in their room "Hey do you guys have my gas?" The two looked at each other "Oh that was yours? Ya… we may have used some but uh… there's a bit left, here." Tuff said handing him a gas can. He thanked them and went back towards his classroom, which he could have probably just gone through the hole in the wall but he decided against it.

Just as he entered he ran into Snotlout pouring some of the cans contents onto him "Oh come on… gas on my work clothes… great." He muttered before walking out "Ok um… someone want to volunteer to go first?" One of the boys rolled his eyes before accepting. Of course pouring gas was easy so everyone passed as boring as it is.

Snotlout was on the chem lab side of the wall repairing it still with only a 2' by 3' area left to brick up "Hey Snot wanna see something cool?" The twins asked him to which he walked over "You see if you put flame on this metal like so…. It will turn blue, and this one purple." They said putting pieces of metal in front of a bentson burner "Oh cool, here let me try."

As soon as he reached for the tongs we all jumped away as all of a sudden he burst into flame "AHHHHHHH!" We all watched as Snotlout ran around the chem lab on fire before going to the door and leaving "Oh dear…." He muttered before running out of the room after him "Stop drop and roll, stop drop and roll…." Snotlout said over and over rolling on the ground.

"IT'S NOT WORKING!" He screamed before running down the hall some more. Teachers and students opened the doors to see all the commotion. He went into the office and Hiccup followed watching as Snotlout dove into an aquarium that was next to the principal's desk quenching the flames. Principal Talon (AKA Toothless) was not at all surprised at the intrusion from the look on his face "On fire again Snotlout? Isn' this the 3rd time this week?" Snotlout just closed his eyes in bliss and nodded "I suppose we should really be getting a kiddy pool for you."

He looked at Hiccup "It's all fine, Snotlout will be back to fix your wall in a minute." WIth a nod he left the office and went back to his own room. Snotlout came in another minute later "Hey Snotlout can you by any chance put this truck back in the garage for me?" He nodded while getting rid of burnt hair off of the top of his head.

He got in the truck and pulled it out of the shop as the bell rang again signaling the end of the school day to which the class left. The twins came in through the crowd of students leaving "Uh Hiccup… about that gas… where did you put it, Because there's a reason that Snotlout stayed on fire." Ruff asked looking for the can "I put it in the truck."

Their eyes widened as they ran out of the big door to the shop "Why what's wrong?" He asked following them "We may have handed you our can of homemade napalm." Tuff said with a nervous chuckle as they neared the garage and watching Snotlout get out of the truck to go open the doors.

"Snotlout there's a slight problem with the truck." We said walking slowly up to him "What?" He asked as he slammed the shut "There might be um… napalm in that truck." Tuffnut said almost happily. He stared at us for a few seconds "I'm not gonna be lit on fire again." He said tossing the keys to Hiccup and leaving.

"Wait… was the can red or blue?" Tuff asked looking back in the direction of the shop "It was red." They looked at each other "Oh… then it was gas… but where did our napalm go?" They asked him and then each other before shrugging and walking back to the shop. Hiccup quickly put the truck away and went back himself.

"I don't understand… if we didn't give it to him where did it go?" Tuff asked his sister who was sitting on one of the tables in the chem room "No idea." They shrugged before leaving their room.

" to the office please, to the office." Went over the intercom. He quickly packed up the shop before making his way down there. He came in to see the secretary point to the principal's door. Gently he opened it "Yes ?" He gestured for Hiccup to sit.

"So how was your first day Mr. Haddock?" The Principal asked.

Hiccup thought for a moment before saying "Well…. I guess you could say it was explosi-BOOOM!"

Hiccup was stopped in mid sentence as the entire room rocked.

"What was that?!" Toothless shouted as he quickly stood up.

"I guess the twins found out where their napalm was." Hiccup mumbled.

"Excuse me Mr. Haddock." Toothless quickly said as he took large strides towards his door. "I need to deal with this very quickly." Hiccup nodded as the Principal left. It wasn't long after that the entire school could hear "RUFFNUT! TUFFNUT! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MISPLACING YOUR NAPALM! THIS IS THE THIRD TIME YOU BLEW UP A ROOM! AND….. IT'S THE LOUNGE THIS TIME! HOW AM I GOING TO GET MY DAILY MORNING LITER OF COFFEE! …..GET BACK HERE YOU TWO….. WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS AROUND YOUR NECKS!"

Hiccup was looking out the office window and saw Toothless chase the twins around the courtyard while swinging a leaf blower and expertly dodging students. He looked to his left and saw Astrid munching on a bag of popcorn. "I take it this happens often?" Hiccup asked.

Astrid nodded and offered him some popcorn. "Welcome to Berk High by the way."

-FIN


End file.
